Friday, September 9, 2011

32 Teams in 32 Run-on Sentences

It might surprise fans of the podcast to discover that I slack a bit when it comes to the blogs. I don't mean to and I actually like to write, I just feel like I'm not wired like a writer. Guys like Joe Posnanski have a brain that needs to unleash ideas through a keyboard or pen. Those guys are always writing many stories at once, where I have trouble coming up with an idea for one. It's an admirable trait and a big reason they are well paid and respected and I am stealing an idea Steve announced on the podcast to jump back into the 'blogosphere'.

Anyway, as an addendum to our latest podcast ( Epidsode 40) which is rich with information previewing the football season, we both offer up one last preview to the season that starts tomorrow. Steve's, I'm sure, will be in depth and factual and informative. My goal was to summarize every team in one sentence and maybe draw a laugh or two out of the reader. Judging by the amount of green squiggly lines under most of them, I failed to do it in a way that is grammatically accurate. Microsoft Office has yet to incorporate a ‘check’ for humor, so the level of success in that area remains to be seen.

Whatever… Without further ado, here is my take on the upcoming season. All teams are listed in the order I feel they'll finish in their divisions. I'll also throw in a few predictions at the end, to add to my word count. Once you have finished reading the blog, please send me nasty emails telling me where I was wrong. Just be sure to forget everything I wrote by the end of the year so you can't call me on my crap. Here goes…

AFC East
New England Patriots- Tom Brady is so annoyingly good that even when he has seemingly no one to throw to he has an MVP-esque season on the way to a league best 14-2 record, and without distractions there is no reason to think he (they) shouldn't do it again.
New York Jets- They are so brash, confident and winless in championship games, that ownership is considering a name change to the New York Phillip Rivers-es.
Buffalo Bills- The Bills will return to Jauron-Era form and win 6 or 7 games, while the city collectively wonders if that’s a good thing.
Miami Dolphins- Opposing defensive coordinators are going to have a hard time deciding whether to NOT game plan against the run, which coaches are so confident in they are considering signing Larry Johnson (again) or NOT game plan against the pass which boasts underwhelming Chad Henne.

AFC North
Baltimore Ravens-
This basically came down to my liking the Ravens chances of staying healthy at key position more than the Steelers…and I flipped a coin.
Pittsburgh Steelers- In the Super Bowl, Rodgers not only confused Polamalu and the Steelers secondary, he made them look very ordinary and NFL sources have told me that other coaches watched the game too.
Cleveland Browns- The division is too top heavy for the Browns to make a serious push, but McCoy looks ready to make a big step in the right direction, which makes it extra puzzling that there are no NFL receivers or tight ends on their 53 man roster.
Cincinnati Bengals- I’ve been on google for a half hour and still can only name three Bengals players, but to be totally fair I did get sidetracked by porn.

AFC South
Houston Texans-
If they can’t win this division with Peyton missing what is looking like considerable time then the title of perennial sleeper pick moves to St. Louis.
Indianapolis Colts- He’s been pretty much garbage the last few seasons, but the Colts have to be wondering what Carson Palmer is up to these days.
Tennessee Titans- CJ2K better not look out of shape or get injured or his fantasy owners and twitter followers won’t be his only haters in Tennessee.
Jacksonville Jaguars- The entire Jaguars organization makes me feel good about being a Bills fan…yeah, I know, right?

AFC West
San Diego Chargers-
San Diego is still waiting for Phillip Rivers to go all Phillip Rivers in a playoff game, meanwhile, they are still partying in New Orleans after Drew Brees’ Super Bowl XLIV win.
Kansas City Chiefs- I am not a Matt Cassel fan in the least, but I don’t dislike him enough to think his surrounding cast can’t keep them ahead of the Broncos and their inept defense.
Denver Broncos- Kyle Orton might not be as tight with Jesus as Tim Tebow, but Brandon Lloyd has to be praying to whoever he believes in that the coaching staff doesn’t get cute again this year.
Oakland Raiders- There is not a run on sentence long enough to try and decipher Al Davis and the Raiders’ plan.

NFC East
Philadelphia Eagles-
The more likable (barely) Miami Heat of the NFL, should contend for a championship, but they should also probably keep their backup quarterback quiet.
Dallas Cowboys- Unless Dez Bryant goes crazy and burns down Jerry World I think the Cowboys are finally going to run out of the quarterback's girlfriend and wide receiver and coaching related excuses.
New York Giants- Preseason issues like timing and shortened playbooks and are one thing, but Eli has looked really inaccurate and that’s reason for concern especially considering how he is now an elite guy in the class of Tom Brady.
Washington Redskins- Grossman v. Beck has to be the hands down, most intriguing match up in DC since JFK v. FDR (I’m not good at politics).

NFC North
Green Bay Packers-
It’s scary and also entirely possible that with a full season of Starks to take some of the load off Grant, a healthy Jermichael Finley, and another season under Aaron Rodgers’ WWF-like (I refuse to acknowledge the change) belt, that this offense is going to be better.
Detroit Lions- It’s not an original thought to say their season rides on Matt Stafford’s brittle body so, umm, how cool would it be if the actual Megatron played receiver?
Chicago Bears- I have a hard time thinking a team whose offensive stars are Jay “I have trouble differentiating jerseys” Cutler, an ex-Lions first round pick not named Calvin, and a punt returner are going to be able to score enough to win consistently, even with their solid defense.
Minnesota Vikings- I wonder who McNabb is going to hideously under-throw if Harvin’s headaches flair up almost as much as I wonder if there has ever been an actual Viking in Minnesota.

NFC South
New Orleans Saints-
I fully expect the Saints to bounce back after a year they seemed to spend basking in the afterglow of the Super Bowl victory, getting by on talent alone until Marshawn unceremoniously ended the party.
Atlanta Falcons- I asked Mrs. Caster her thoughts on the Falcons, and she said “they will fly to the top” and that “they’ll be better than the Bears” which as true as it may be, left me speechless.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers- The Bucs don’t seem like a team too far from being a contender but unfortunately the Saints and Falcons already are, and I don’t know the last time a single division sent three teams to the playoffs because I didn’t look it up.
Carolina Panthers- Carolina’s method of improving their league worst record was to spend a boat-load of cash on players from last year’s 2-14 squad to go with their rookie entertainer…err, quarterback.

NFC West
Arizona Cardinals-
Kolb isn’t exactly Kurt Warner, but he is strides better than the trail of disaster before him and Jim Trotter told us that Larry Fitzgerald couldn't be happier, which is good because he seems like a nice guy.
St. Louis Rams- This teaming is moving in the right direction but has a first half schedule so brutal they could easily be 2-5 by the time they head to Arizona to play the Cardinals.
San Francisco 49ers- Joe Montana and Steve Young were like, really, really good and I guess every season since then has been the football gods’ way of evening everything out, which has to help Frank Gore, Vernon Davis, and Patrick Willis sleep at night.
Seattle Seahawks- If the plan to trade for Charlie Whitehurst to have him sit behind a castoff from the Vikings (Tavarias Jackson) who couldn't beat out a guy that was basically deemed dispensable because of Rex Grossman (McNabb) is still in motion *inhale* I don’t get it.

Playoff Predictions


  1. New England

  2. San Diego

  3. Baltimore

  4. Houston

  5. Pittsburgh

  6. New York


  1. Green Bay

  2. Philadelphia

  3. New Orleans

  4. Arizona

  5. Atlanta

  6. Dallas

Batimore at New England
Philadelphia at Green Bay

Super Bowl
Green Bay over Baltimore

So there it is. Fifteen hundred words jumbled into of a bunch of worthless speculation. I'll be sure to check back at the end of the year to see how I did. Unless it is too embarassing and I conveniently 'forget'.

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