My war room again contains myself, my dogs, and my wife, but now is also graced by the presence of my daughter, Molly. She however, is less than three months old and I expect her input to be only slightly more valuable than mine. I just hope, in a repeat from last year, I end the night with a Blizzard in my hand.
The draft last year reminded me a bit of a Mitch Hedberg joke about comedy;
As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes... all exciting at first, but then by the end you're f****n' sick of em.Right now, I am super pumped for the draft. Maybe it's because my team (the Bills) won the offseason. Maybe it's the culmination of weeks, even months, of speculation. Maybe it's because we get to see extended coverage of Mel Kiper's Conan O'Brien-esque, gravity defying hair. Maybe because it's the day we get to see the classy Jets fans boo everyone because they are sad they have a stupid, red-headed step child of a team (I need an English major to tell me how not to use commas and parenthesis so much). Bottom line is, the glitz and excitement of the NFL has roped me in again. But I'm sure by the end of the night the draft will be pancakes.
I haven't even added my first time-stamp yet, and my wife is complaining about the draft already. She added "You aren't allowed to quote me until 8pm." I almost forgot how awesome my war room was. I'll see everyone at eight.
7:50 So apparently about a half hour ago the Browns traded up to the third spot with the Vikings. Interesting. They must've been worried another team would've moved into the spot to take (presumably) Richardson. It begins...
8:03 Draft is about to start, and I already have my DQ. I went with the Peanut Buster Parfait this year. I only fear that the draft may have peaked early. Colts are on the clock.
8:05 In a surprise move, the Colts select "Hacksaw" Jim Dugan. Oh wait, they took Andrew Luck.
8:10 RGIII is the pick for the 'Skins. NFL Network round table keeps talking about how quickly things are moving. These picks were known for months and it still took the teams over 5 minutes to get them in. Their definition of quick is odd.
8:15 Supposedly the Browns pick was in basically the second after the Redskins. That said, RGIII has just reached the stage. This makes the Oscars seem speedy. In other news, Trent Richardson looks like a superhero. Actually, he makes superheros look weak. This guy is a freak.
8:21 The Browns take Trent Richardson, who really looks like he could run through a tree. The Vikings pick is also in, which means we should know it in about ten minutes. Tampa Bay has also made their pick. Maybe I was wrong about the speed of the draft. It's just the announcing that is slow.
8:27 Scratch that, TB traded with Jacksonville who is on the clock. Minnesota's pick is finally announced and it's Matt Kalil. I apologize for criticizing the speed. This is almost too fast. I don't even have time to post dumb comments about Michelle.
8:32 Commercial break. Molly got her nails cut by Michelle. My war room is one of the greatest in all of sports. I'm glad the Bills didn't trade to get Kalil. I like a few guys they can get at 10, and they need the second rounder. Jacksonville selects Justin Blackmon. Maybe Blaine Gabbert will not be afraid to throw a ball more than eight yards now.
So far everything is going exactly as the experts predicted (other than the trades). Speaking of which, the Cowboys trade up to get the sixth overall pick. This could be bad for the Bills who are said to be very high on safety, Mark Barron. With all the trades being made to move up only one or two spots, it's pretty clear there were more teams willing to move up than people expected. St. Louis is their trading partner who gets Dallas' 1st (14 overall) and 2nd this year.
8:39 Bills management may have breathed a sigh of relief. Dallas selects Morris Claiborne. Michelle just asked me if you "have to get invited to the Columbine?" Wow.
In other news, the Senators are going to need a miracle to avoid elimination. 2-0 is a huge whole against the Rangers.
8:44 Michelle once again notes the the NFL Network sat their analysts White-Black-White-Black-White. She has a Rainman-like level of attention to detail. Mark Barron goes off the board to Tampa Bay. Bummer. I hope the Bills can still land Gilmore.
8:47 It's been pointed out that the Senators had made the game 2-1 before my post. I suck at multitasking.
8:48 Bills are on the clock. Still awaiting the announcement from the Dolphins and Carolina. Time to see if Tannehill get's picked here or has to awkwardly wait around like Aaron Rogers. What ever happened to him?
8:51 Michelle thinks she's hilarious and suggests it'd be cool if the Dolphins actually selected a dolphin. She had high hopes for Flipper. The Dolphins instead go with Ryan Tannehill, which is should prove to be a better pick since almost no football games are played underwater.
8:55 Carolina pick is in, but has yet to be announced. Same with the Bills, so they weren't able to trade back as they may have liked. I'm still thinking the pick is Stephon Gilmore. Carolina goes with Luke Kuechly and not the DT Cox that all the experts had them taking. It's really the experts' first miss tho, so I can't beat them up too much. There have to be some disappointed Bills fans as Kuechly's name was a popular one on sports talk callers' minds. The Bills supposedly are still very high on last year's pick Kelvin Sheppard, so it may not have been a direction they were going anyway.
9:00 Bills select Stephon Gilmore. Holy Crap! I got something right? How did that happen?!?! Anyway, I'm glad they didn't "settle" for Reiff or Floyd. Buddy Nix has proven to be a pretty honest guy and has always expressed how much he valued DBs.
9:07 The Chiefs take the COMBINE superstar Dontari Poe. Maybe the first surprise of the draft. Eagles are supposedly trying to trade with Seahawks to pick Cox. Michelle likes Poe's "blingy" watch, but not his hair. I'm sure the Chiefs are rethinking the pick.
9:12 The Eagles do trade their 4th and 6th to the Seahawks to move into their spot. The Eagles select Fletcher Cox, as expected. Twitter and Michelle explode with mature comments containing "Cox".
9:20 Larry Fitzgerald is a happy camper. The Cardinals select Micheal Floyd. Fitz will like having a real number two, and Floyd couldn't have a classier guy to learn from. I don't know much about Floyd, but I like anyone's chances learning from Fitz. All class.
9:30 As long as this pick the Rams make isn't a bust, you have to love what they've done with this draft. They've stockpiled picks, some that will be very early, in the RGIII trade. I don't expect them to be much better next year, but they should have tons of tools to rebuild. Watch for them in two or three years. Actually, the NFC West division, which has been a bit of a punchline could be pretty formidable as the Rams and Cards improve.
My war room is probably the only one that is currently having "naked time". Michelle and I are clothed, but apparently this is something good for babies. I'll have to take Michelle's word for it.
The Rams take DT Micheal Brocker.
As I finished typing that the Seahawks take DE Bruce Irvin.
The stupid Jets are on the clock.
9:40 The Jets take a pass rusher in DE Quinton Coples. "Naked time" is not surprisingly interrupted by urination. The dogs seem confused.
9:49 Bengals use the 1st they stole in the Carson Palmer trade to select Dre Kirkpatrick. If he stays healthy, Palmer will have a chance to throw passes to Kirkpatrick when they play each other in week 12.
9:55 The Chargers select Melvin Ingram. Molly is having so much fun she went to sleep. My DQ is starting to wear off.
The Rangers held on to win their game seven, and the Devils look like they are going to do the same. In a playoff that I predicted so poorly, I at least got these last two correct. I'll try to do better in the second round.
10:03 Something of a run on DE's as the Bears select Shea McClellin, a player who cheated in college by playing on a blue field.
The Patriots in an un-Patriots like move, have traded to move up to the Bengals second first round pick slot. The Titans pick is in and waiting to be announced.
10:07 Apparently everyone has places to go. WR Kendall Wright is selected by the Titans. The Patriots and Browns also have their picks in. Just announce them already!!!! I wonder how many viewers drop out after their team picks.
10:14 TROOPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! USA!USA!USA! NFL Network chooses "Proud to be an American" as a good time to go to commercial.
10:22 Mr. Madden 13 announces the Lions selection of Riley Reiff. I knew the experts that thought he should go to the Bills were way off. The Bills don't "reach". He probably went about where he should based on my very limited knowledge.
The Steelers selected David Duchovny. That's awesome because I really like the X-Files.
I guess the guys name is actually David DeCastro. I think Mulder was the better pick here.
10:24 The Patriots move up again... What is this, bizarro world!?!? They select another defensive player in LB Dont'a Hightower.
10:28 The Texans select DE Whitney Mercilus. I officially don't care anymore. It'd be funny if I just stopped writing at this point, but I won't. Probably.
10:52 The Bengals take Kevin Zeitler. The Packers select Nick Perry. The Vikings draft Harrison Smith. The 49ers choose A.J. Jenkins. And the draft has sucked every ounce of my giving a shit.
10:57 The Bucs trade back into the first round to take Doug Martin. I knew a kid through soccer named Doug Martin, but he was a white kid, so I'm pretty sure it's not the same guy.
11:05 So we're down to it. The last pick of the draft. I am yawning with excitement. The Giants take RB David Wilson.
Well, I guess that was quick. That's a win for the NFL. It's a loss for my ADD, since I was still basically bored by the 12th pick. Michelle was significantly less entertaining this year, which I guess is good from her point of view.
Thanks for reading.