Thursday, April 25, 2013

2013 NFL Draft 1st Round Hardcore Live Blog

Here we are again, the most exciting day of the football off-season! The NFL draft. Every team in the league gets together to select some young studs to propel them from pretender to contender, and contender to Super Bowl champion. Yes, even the Bills and Chiefs and Browns and Raiders and Cardinals allegedly attempt to field teams that will win games. Weird, right?

Umm... I've been drinking wine already, so this might get interesting. I have yet to get DQ, so there is always that to look forward to as well.

If you haven't spent time with my blog before, let me get you up to speed. Here is a link to last year's draft coverage. If you don't feel like reading that, and why would you, here's the deal. My "War Room" consists of myself, my wife Michelle, my one year old, Molly, and my dogs. It's pretty much the worst War Room ever. That, combined with my total lack of college football knowledge all adds to the wonderment and that is my blog. Strap the F in.

There is a fun emotional roller coaster that happens every year during the draft coverage. Michelle complains from the get-go, as I try to extol the virtues of the draft. My interest fades pretty fast however, probably because my suck-ass team always picks so early. I illustrated my feelings in a super cool chart:

(click to enlarge)

Are you as ready as I am?

7:57 I am going with the NFL Network if that matters. I'm sure there won't be a wardrobe malfunction or an F-bomb or anything on either network, so what's the diff I always say. Finished my second glass of wine, and will put that to bed for the night. It's almost time to get down to business.

8:02 With all the uncertainty I'm going to predict Abe Vigoda goes #1 overall.

I actually typed "random celebrity" into Google images and ol' Abe was the first guy to come up. That must be nice for him.

8:06 It officially took Joe Namath one second to make everyone uncomfortable. Except people who like uncomfortable things, they were probably high-fiving.

Joe stops without doing anything too ridiculous and KC is officially on the clock.

8:08 Michelle arrives in the War Room after giving Molly a bath. She immediately notices the NFL Network panel again sitting "White-Black-White-Black-White". Brilliant.

8:14 Chiefs take almost all of the allotted time and find no trade partners. I'm already bored. This is the unsexiest draft class ever. I'm not saying there won't be superstars picked today and tomorrow, but I can't get too excited about franchise linemen. The newest member of Kansas City is Tackle, Eric Fisher, a guy who will now get paid very well to push other fat guys. Wee...

8:19 The Jags are taking their sweet time too. It's almost like no one wants to make picks this year. I'm sure there is another fat guy that pushes fat guys at a level that far exceeds most other fat guys that Jacksonville can pay a gajillion dollars. I can hardly contain my excitement.

The Jags owner kind of looks like Super Mario. I like that. I hope his fat guy is worth every penny.

They select Tackle, Luke Joeckel. I predict a Chiefs/Jags AFC Championship.

8:31 It's "Weekend at Bernies" at the Raiders table. I find it a little crude that they are making an Al Davis puppet field calls.

8:32 I'm being told that's actually his brother. I could've sworn that was a dead guy.

The not dead guy trades the pick to Miami. Hopefully they can get a fat guy they like too.

8:34 As a Bills fan, I'd love to hate on Miami here - they selected DE Dion Jordan - but it has to be fun to be a fan of theirs this year. The Eagles must be pissed about that pick as they (and their coach Chip Kelly) have supposedly been interested in him.

8:42 The Eagles will now make their pick and pretend that whoever they take was the guy they wanted all along. The select T Lane Johnson, another giant person. I really don't know how to comment on linemen. His family looks nice.

"Guy's guys" in Eagles jersey's intently discuss the pick and there is probably a lot of grunting. I'm sure it's painfully annoying to anyone within ear shot.

8:51 The Lions select DE Ezekiel Ansah. The NFL Network showed a dork Lions fan in the crowd that looked on the verge of tears. If I didn't love football I'd hate it.

8:55 The Browns select the guy with the coolest name in the draft, DE Barkevious Mingo. So far it's been all about protecting the QB or knocking him down. I apologize for not making any ridiculous statements regarding this pick.

9:01 The Cardinals draft the first fat guy that doesn't play at the end of the line, G Jonathan Cooper. I would suck as a GM, because I would never draft a guard. Not in the first round anyway. It's just such a boring pick. Of course the crowd shot from Arizona shows their fans going nuts, presumably because they all appreciate the subtle intricacies of pass protection.

Mike Mayock just talked about Cooper's "natural bending skills". I'm sure Jonathan's parents are proud.

The Bills trade their pick to the Rams. Good. They have a lot of needs, and none "worth" the 8 pick. Good on you Buddy Nix.

9:09 The Rams move up to select WR Tavon Austin, they must have been worried the Jets would be interested. I'm glad the Bills didn't end up with him. Just too many other needs to get a gimmick, project guy. That said, it'll be cool to see Sam Bradford with an actual weapon.

9:17 Molly is being cranky which is making my War Room a bit tense. She hates the draft more than her mother.

The Jets select CB Dee Milliner. I'm never sure how I feel about letting a superstar at a position walk just to draft their replacement really high. I mean, the hope for this guy is that he turns into Revis, right? Why not just keep Revis. Some lady fans of the Jets REALLY hate this pick for some reason.

9:21 More on the Bills trade. They move back eight spots in the first. Add a second. Move WAY up in the third and add a seventh. All by trading a pick they didn't want to make. Again, good move Buddy, don't screw up the picks!

9:24 First view of the troops. He wants to draft a fat guy too. Maybe I'm too much of a Fantasy Football fan to be objective. Waiting for the Titans pick.

9:26 The military guy gets his wish and G Chance Warmack gets picked. America.

Molly is still awake which is totally screwing my chances of getting Dairy Queen. My draft blogging moral might be at an all time low.

9:33 My draft viewing has moved online, as the Sprout network takes over the big TV. The Chargers select Thomas the Tank Engine with the 11th pick. I am now watching the online B team at while wearing ear buds. Michelle is too busy with Molly to make stupid comments, not that I'd hear them anyway. Everything sucks.

San Diego actually takes another fat guy T D.J. Fluker.

9:39 The Raiders select CB D.J. Hayden. I have nothing funny to say. Lack of Dairy Queen is pissing me off. I'm looking up foster homes for Molly.

9:41 The stupid doody-head Jets pick next. I just remembered I have to get up at 5am tomorrow. This night keeps getting better.

9:47 Why can't the online team include Scott Hansen? He's dreamy.

The Jets fans again sound disappointed in their pick of DT Sheldon Richardson. Hearing sad Jets fans always makes me a bit happy. AND I just realized DQ is open until 11 in April. This night might not be a total loss yet!

9:50 The Panthers immediately, I mean seconds later, pick after the Jets, which should make NY fans extra happy. And they draft a guy at the same position, DT Star Lotulelei. Take that stupid Jets.

I'm sorry, that's the last I will speak negatively about the Jets in this blog. Probably.

9:55 I somehow glossed over the fact that the last guy's name is Star. That's awesome. He teared up at home which made him an instant favorite of Michelle's. Hard not to like a guy that appreciates the gravity of what just happened. Good for him.

9:59 Steve's Saints select S Kenny Vaccaro. Steve must be torn. He hates Texas, and was pulling for Jarvis Jones. It'll be interesting to see if he can talk himself into liking this.

10:02 I thought with no QBs taken yet, the Bills might try to take move back again, but their pick came in pretty quick. For a draft I've already referred to as "unsexy" this is one of the most interesting Bills picks in a long time.

10:05 For the first time in team history, the Bills use their first pick on a QB. E.J. Manuel
becomes the first QB picked in the draft. I don't know much about him, I just can't wait to see him. Don't screw around with Kolb. Let the kid play. Now get him a receiver.

10:09 I can't claim to know anything about this kid, but I loved his interview. Another kid that gets it. Hopefully he can bring it to the field. It's on Doug Marrone now. Make this kid work. This city is ready for him to be a hero, I hope he is too.

10:13 The Steelers select LB Jarvis Jones. Seems about right with Harrison leaving.

The 49ers move up in a trade with Dallas, selecting S Eric Reid.

I'm still processing the Bills pick.

10:21 Giants select another big man in Tackle Justin Pugh. I'm warn out and distracted by the Monday Morning QBs on Facebook. Molly is now sleeping, but still no DQ in sight.

10:29 The only thing I am overly interested in now is where Te'o gets drafted. He is probably somewhere on the phone with a fake person breathing a disappointed sigh that the Bears passed on him and took a fat guy, G Kyle Long.

10:33 Still waiting for the Bengals pick to be announced, and behind them the Falcons have traded up. The Bengals get the first TE off the board, Notre Dame's Tyler Eifert. The Bengals offense can be pretty solid if they can get anything out of the run game. It's pretty easy to tell I'm running out of steam when I start writing actual sports opinions. Please forgive me.

10:39 I still have to get through ten of these? Brutal. DQ is officially out. I'll go get stuff from the freezer like a caveman after this Falcon pick. They select CB Desmond Trufant. And I gotta say, as much as I like to pick on Mike Mayock, he has been pretty well on tonight. Even with the Bills pick of Manuel. I dig the NFL Network.

10:45 Troops!

10:56 While I was eating my ice cream, DT Sharrif Floyd (Vikings), DE Bjoern Werner (Colts), and CB Xavier Rhodes (Vikings) were selected. I regret nothing.

Snoring from Michelle's side of the couch.

Packers pick is in but not announced, Texans on the clock.

11:02 Packers select DE Datone Jones. I'm bored with this draft and will draft days of the week:
1. Saturday
2. Friday
3. Sunday
4. Thursday
5. Monday
6. Tuesday
7. Wednesday

11:09 The Texans draft WR DeAndre Hopkins. I will now draft original 8 crayon box colors:
1. Blue
2. Green
3. Red
4. Black
5. Brown
6. Purple
7. Orange
8. Yellow

11:14 The Broncos are on the clock and I think it's safe to say they won't be drafting a WR. The Broncos select DT Sylvester Williams. What is the over/under on number of times Mike Mayock says "stout"? I will now draft board games in my closet:
1. Lords of Waterdeep
2. Libertalia
3. Small World
4. The Resistance
5. 7 Wonders
6. Settlers
7. Ticket to Ride

11:21 The Patriots are cheating again and made the Vikings trade away the rest of their draft to get NE's 29th overall pick. Damn Patriots. How do they do it?

11:30 The Vikings traded all those picks to draft WR Cordarrelle Patterson and for the ability to take naps while the other teams pick players. I will now draft fingers:
1. Thumb
2. Pointer
3. Middle
4. Pinky
5. Ring

11:34 Three stupid picks left and the NFL seems to try to be taking this thing to midnight. I'm so gassed at this point, I'm almost talking myself into wanting the Bills to pick that dummy, Te'o, in the second round.

The Rams select LB Alec Ogletree. Cowboys pick is in. Actually, so have the champs, Baltimore. Geno Smith goes undrafted.

11:41 This part is brutal. The picks are in, make them. I'm not saying rush it, but let the kids have their moment, and move along. They finally announce the Cowboys pick C Travis Frederick.

11:44 They actually take my advice and come back pretty quickly with the Ravens pick, S Matt Elam.

That's it. I will now reflect for a year on why I get excited for the draft. Three and a half hours. Three and a half hours of watching guys I know almost nothing about. For what? Thanks for reading. 


  1. Sexy column so far Don. You really raise the bar every year. Can't wait to watch this all unfold. You're the best.

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